Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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