mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
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