I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
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