I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
