The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I love having hate sex.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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