So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
