you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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