I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
You ruined the universe
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize
