Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Randomize