hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
