Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
