im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
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