my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
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