Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
