You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
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