guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
