i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
