I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize