Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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