A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
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