I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
