Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
