Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
My ass is underappreciated
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
