the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Did we literally take a cab across the street
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
