she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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