I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
