If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
