You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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