you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
