i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
