I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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