Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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