You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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