we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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