when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
