I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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