Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
