Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
