so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize