i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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