Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
