Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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