So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
