Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
We were destined to go to rehab together
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
