Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
im calling her cock vulture from now on
what is it with giant penises always finding me
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
