I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
