No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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