i think my tv is drunk
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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