I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I just found puke in my bra..
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
