When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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