I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
My ATM looks so different sober.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Randomize
