I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
