Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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