I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Randomize
