I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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