If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
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