One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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