Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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