Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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