I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
